A hello from Heaven!!!!

It was a bright winter morning, and the birds were twittering with a shiver... I woke up to the music of silence... just to find another long day....

Poetic enigma got me to think... what would have been so terrible if I had a holiday... :) sorted my thoughts to prepare myself for another working day....

After singing all the goodbye songs... I parted with my bed... It's just so difficult to get up, when it is a cold winter morning!

On looking at the sky from my window, felt the freshness of the dew... and the aroma... of the wet soil and blossoming flowers :)

Why do people say.... that both heaven and hell is right here... and you may never have to wait long enough to die to reach either.... :) It almost felt like a little heaven in the morning! What is heaven in reality....?? I think it’s just a feeling of the ultimate blissful peace :)

Everything gets a life, when it comes in contact with its source. Similarly, my wind chime got its glory and produced a blissful music to add to the little heaven!

Who really would have loved to leave such a place and go to work?? But then again... work also has its own charm. And more so when you have chosen a career you always wanted to pursue. In my case it is advertising!

As I got to work, I thought, I must share my little heaven with the readers... while sipping over a coffee.

I feel we all do encounter some part of heaven, every now and then... It’s just that we need to realize its presence. Even in a shower of agony... heaven comes to drop a smile sometimes.... :)

We all try to search for peace outside... but peace is in the inside, when you become one with life and see that everything seems to be running away.... and it’s up to us to catch our share of that little bliss.... :)

Wake UP!!!! You too might find your little heaven.... just when you open that door.

Irony.........

One person's misery is some other person's pleasure....


Note: On reading this... some people thought that I am a sadist of some sort. Read between the lines please!

Sometimes.....

Sometimes its so easy.....and sometimes its just so difficult to live!

The not so comfortable Zone..... :)

It was a usual day... and I had the strange feeling… that I had felt before ... the slight nervousness and the uncomfortable numbness.... I sat by thinking... how it all will be....

Life first puts you through weird feelings and then also gives you enough reminders of the same... :) not that its very difficult to handle, but just an unusual feeling!

It is this constant fight with self, when one is to crawl out of the comfort zone... that slight unhappiness.... and the fear of the unknown... keeps us all away from what could be the best for us!

An open heart or an open mind.... cannot really dodge the fear of the unknown..... and those feelings so insecure, so worried and no unusual.....

Well, may be this is one way Life put us all through its favourite surprises of change!!!

A Part of ME.....

On a chilled winter morning, I reached the college on my black scooty... oh! God I was almost trembling with cold. Walked up those familiar stairs... and reached straight to the shop , for a coffee... after a sip, looked around to find my classmates... and as usual I saw them sitting on the 'Katta'.... same place... same thing... just sipping over some coffee and laughing at God knows what.... I walked towards them... and got a friendly greet... "Hey Gitsy, you look so zonked... have you come for the 7.00 am class....??? Well, as usual you are just about 3 hours late"... :) and me with my... typical self smiled and said.... “Aree Yaar, I just couldn’t get up", and every one just burst out laughing.

As usual I found myself.... a seat...amongst them.... and we all start laughing on God knows what.... :) and then we all, together, crib about our college rules, procedures.... and sounding like a complete revolutionary... take oaths to bring about a change.

Proud of being a "Media Student", there was always a feeling of being able to control and change a lot of things around us....but that was not just a belief... We did change many things.... like syllabus, teachers, rules... Well almost everything :)

I lived a very different life, with my class being my company and my room mates being my family. With all my friends I have laughed, cried and played along united. It was a journey that was too small, but those were the only days, when every day I died to live more :)

Every day was a new challenge to accomplish and those 2 years were a total roller coaster ride. That mid night P K's addressals used be a nightmare... but today they form the most precious spheres of my life.

Those never ending Production and Accounts classes..... Oh! God I just never bothered to attend those... dreadful classes....those sweet nothings at the Chinese Stall.... I so much still miss it all.

As usual attending those classes... and sometimes just whiling away time.... all the friends sat and talked about what they wanted to be in future... Chetan always said... he would be the creative Guru... and Tejas the retail tycoon... Amzath promised to re- invent Management fundas and Deepti just wanted to rule the Cop COM world.... Anushree wanted to write some of those creative jingles....Meeta was the head of the 'PR SAHELI' group, Arindom.... just dint want to do anything... He also wanted to make... dirty films... starring Sayantani.... :) and we all would just laugh at all these plans all evening through.
Believe me... If we once again sat together, we would still have some weird plans for our lives.

Every Day had a joke to laugh on.... a good deed to cherish and a pain to kill.... :) Simply an experience of a life time. As the night fell, we would be found in various restaurants dining and chatting. To explore the city we would travel to unknown places and food joints... just to find some familiar faces to ask that stupid question. “Hey! What are you doing here?" as if only they could get adventurous in life.... :)

Those last minute expensive parties.... and the crazy dance on summer of 69.... It was a song we related to the most... and we still wonder.... what else this song could possibly mean to us..... apart from our happy days together... :) The pulse of love.... would hold every heart close.... and it would only be love that would shine in that atmosphere in the end.... There was a protective arm to guard and an innocent heart to care......at the end of it all....the smiling faces could never fade!

I could never dare to end this story... I just can't.... because this story has no end.... it still goes on in our lives... in its own silent ways.... it still rules a part of us all.... because we left a bit of us behind in those lanes... were we walked, talked and laughed together.....

We left a bit of ourselves at every twinkle of the star we saw together.... at every party we danced to and at every memory we cherish more than anything else in our lives.....

It is still a cold winter morning... but I don't walk up those familiar stairs anymore... have no one familiar to greet me... in fact...I wouldn’t even look around.... Now I just walk... and walk endlessly........... but when I look within... I could still laugh at those jokes.... and shed endless tears on that love...... :)

Wishful

In the trust of being spared from all the mortal toil, every human in pain wakes up fresh in the morning, with a motive to make a difference.... somewhere...

I Want to L I V E.....

Every one really wishes to live.. no matter what goes on in their lives... Imagine a deer running for his life every day so that it could be alive for that 1 extra day.... for that 1 extra hour.... :)

Even in an asylum or a jail... people want to live.... Even the poorest of the poor want to live...even in a jungle as tribals... people want to live... Just for a better life tomorrow, hopeful people want to live...for the love of being alive people want to live.... for that quest to know the unknown... people want to live!!!

All living beings want to live... by giving their own favourite excuses...to be left alive.... :)

Move............

"MOVE ON" , I hear this word more often than I hear my name..... :)

HOW LONG DO YOU WISH TO STICK AROUND?

Hey stranger... how long do you wish to stick around? What are you really trying to discover.

The World's an enigma... a puzzle so complex... with people so complex... with beliefs so complex... with myths that just breaks away every bit of reality...with so different thinking...How long do you really wish to stick around?

Not that if you wish longer, will you be able to tame...discover and understand all these things. But then again... if you don't wish to be here... you could really be somewhere else...or just nowhere!

Why is one's misery the other person's pleasure...like... some one may be sacked… And you could be hired... like some one may dump you... to be with some one else... its all so weird... but cannot be tamed.

If you chose to cause no pain... and then just walk by... you may still find an injured heart... and the reason for injury will be you. Then again how long would you really like to stick around...?

Justifying every little that you live for yourself, stating you were just meaning to be a little relaxed... and then would you mange to prove yourself... not all that selfish... coz you bothered to think for yourself too...?

Not to trust... what people bring to you... Not to trust how they look like... Not to trust what they may say or mean... then again... trust every one... because you chose to Live....

Every time you are there... and there for good... makes you feel more like a duty... and when you think you cant be there, it seems more of a crime... Is it really a crime... you ponder over all night... But then again... how long would you want to stick around?

Walking on the road... with zillions... and some just walk away and some just stop by... and some just cause pain... Who exactly would you stick on to? Who exactly do you call your own?

Ruled by the poison of change...nothing seems caged in your past... and nothing seem to be wanting to stay by in your future... then again... Freedom is sweeter to all.... but you need to know.... How long would you really want to stick around?

Not that if you wish longer, will you be able to tame...discover and understand anything. But then again... if you don't wish to be here... you could really be somewhere else...or just nowhere!

SO STRANGEEEEEE...................

There are people who look at you so intensely like they can read what your heart says, that they can see the pain, agony and happiness. Like they can see exactly how you feel... like you know less and they know more... Like they are just so busy judging everything you say and do... Its strange when things get so analytical... when every smile is questioned and every statement is marked in red.... :)

Who cares really... to speak just the right words and to be your right self all the time... I can't. I am careless... I am harrod... I say weird things, things I don't mean... some one may ask something... But I may be lost in my World...I Don't want to be judged.. Don't want to be looked at like that... Don't want any one to try to figure me out... and want the World to JUST let me BE.

People come to Go....

Not very often do I realize this, but somewhere I feel, when I do, that it gets lonely sometimes in this World.

Usually surrounded with friends and loved ones, I don't always realize this very often. As life always gives you your solemn moments to realize what you need to in your life. But then again, you can always choose to be an escapist or can also think about facing it.

I have learnt to face it. It was a regular Sunday, and I wanted to go for a movie. Asked a few friends, but realized that their better halves kept them busy, so some time for friends was not a good idea. It is shocking when you suddenly realize that your so called best friend cannot be with you, because she has other priorities. I could not go for the movie.

I don't know, if I would have done the same thing if I were in their shoes... but people have their lives to live... and it is no where close to the life that I live. I live for my friends, but in reality my friends live for some other important people in their lives!

I think I spent a lifetime walking with some people through thick and thin, but those people have walked ahead and far off. That is when I realized, that I am not covered with friends... I am almost alone.

Make believing that friends will always be there no matter what.... and also that every promise made during college days in awe of friendship would be kept. That I would be sheltered by their love. But in and outside, I have managed to make a mockery of it all!

Don't mistake this to be a sad tale of my life. It is a realization... that in the end of it all.... An individual is alone... every one is alone.... in life you walk in and walk out alone, people's presence in life is more of a comfort for the time being... because different people may be there at different times to fill in…but only for sometime. May be they have their own reasons to be with you. The reason could be anything… class notes, emotional help, time pass etc…

Being emotional and holding onto things does not really help, because people come to go. It is important to hold this in mind… it is important to live for yourself. Ultimately the only person who will remain common between yesterday and today is YOU.

Being alone helps. I have learnt it in my own way…. And there are people in your life who will teach it to you… every now and then.

This does not mean that you don’t hold any one close to your heart and look at every one with a sour feeling. What it does mean is to just accept this as it is.

Come on, there will be a time when I may meet some one like me… and then there would be no goodbyes…. How wishful… but what is life without a hope for a better tomorrow :)

A train story....

Strange things happen everyday.... and if I am around then the probability of strange things happening automatically increases ;)

So in the morning, when I took the train to work...I was just anxiously looking for a place to sit. The train as usual was moderately full; there wasn't any bright chance of finding myself a seat. To get some air, I stood beside the door. I did not carry my ipod, so had no option but to look around. Nothing really seemed to get my attention apart from this lady who stood by me in the train. Now this lady was supposedly communicating with another lady (must be her friend) who was lucky enough to get a seat in the train.

What was strange was not that they were communicating, but how they were doing so. Just when I decided to figure out what is happening I realized that some one has gotten off the train and now I do have an opportunity to sit. So I sat right beside the lady who was trying to make a conversation with the lady standing by the door.

Now the way these two ladies were conversing was through a strange 'sign language' which I am sure was best understood to them and no one else. In spite of being gifted with the power of speech, they decided to act out their lives stories.

The lady standing by the door sure seemed to be well trained in acting or must have been a champ in dumb charades. So her facial expressions were really loud and her body language very graceful. The other lady was more of a bathroom actor (come on... if u can have bathroom singers...) hence she was very moderate with her expressions and as there was less space, she could not really use her hands too much.

The lady standing by the door seemed to be narrating a nightmare or a ghostly story at least that is what I understood. The other lady sitting beside me seemed to be enacting a day in her life type of a story.

What was commendable... that the lady by the door was indeed giving a great performance, but nothing could be understood by any one apart from the lady sitting beside me. I think while traveling in the train they managed to create their own language, which was truly strange but looked grand.

If I were with a friend I would just talk... and talk... or keep quiet... but this was some fantastic peace of work that I saw today.

People find their own way to do things they really want to.... :)

The Painful Let go.... :(

Why is "Let Go" easier to say than implement.... I have tried to let things be... or let go of people so many times, but have never been successful.

Why is that so difficult for me?? I just can’t see things falling apart. I can’t see people walk away, at least those who mean something to me.

Am I suffering from some psychotic disorder, as usually people find it very simple to let go. May be some people are just too strong. Some people know just the right thing... and also walk towards it. But my heart always melts when I see people who matter to me. My anger seems far gone!

Beyond a particular time, I do believe that no one in reality belongs to me. It is this temporary phase of life, till life rolls we like to possess people and things and proudly call them 'ours'.

It is so strange, that people, who are important to me, are actually not mine. Because when death comes knocking at my door I will have to walk towards it all alone... No one shall accompany me... I will have to walk alone...

What is funny is that every one knows this reality, and what is strange is... that no one wishes to believe in it. May be because no one wants to be lonely... maybe no one wants to walk alone!!

Why are things so important to the world? When even people one can never possess. And some spend a lifetime acquiring objects that will be left behind.

But still why is it so difficult to let go? I know just like others, I will spend my entire life, collecting things and people to make my life peaceful...but in the end...I will have to walk alone. Can I then learn to find peace in this loneliness and defy every rule of Sociology?

No matter how much I would wish to believe I can.... the truth is I can’t.... Come on I am not God yet :)

I am not you, that is why... :)

Ask no question and hear no lie... This is what he told me one day... and obviously I was pissed. Dude I don't ask something to hear a lie...but people live their lives on their own terms... and whatever belief we carry towards a particular thing is actually subjective.

No matter how much we think that we are in sync with the World... society... friends... family… Etc the truth is... We are not in sync with any one. Every one lives more for their own self than the others. Selfless, yes sure people are, but more towards things that are more likely to appeal to themselves.

No, I am not trying to say that every one is selfish, or anything like that. But I do want to say that every one thinks of self a bit more than the others.

I have been brought up in a family, where every member has his own space to think and react to things. He/she can choose their respective paths. No one really asks me... Why the hell I am this way? But they sure say... OK you are moody and weird.

But don't take these words as judgments; these are more of characteristic description and acceptance. The point that I am trying to drive home is there is no use in being judgmental about things and people. People are People... and if they are a particular way... or think a particular thing... then they are so, that is all. Hence nothing really makes a person good or bad. It just forms their characteristics.

The things we find bad... may not be really bad. But they sure are displaced. Like food on a dining table, is taken as 'clean'... gives a good feeling... and the same food... in the loo... sure gives a creepy feeling and also brings in a feeling of being 'dirty'. Hence the truth remains that there really is nothing clean or dirty, it is just a displacement of things that make us feel so!

That is why the statement... Ask no question, hear no lie... bugged me... but in reality... may be my mind perceived it as something displaced... But the one who said it... to his mind it must have seemed perfect for that moment. Come on people don't always like to talk shit... Do they?

Think about it... just two words... Subjective... and Displacement... ;)

Dream = Reality

Ever lived a life where you could not distinguish between a Dream and Reality... I have and to a large extent I still am. But they are not weird dreams, these dreams are very real. They just generally represent a day in my life. There is no loss or achievement in them... it is just so much like normal life.

So many times I have gotten up and asked something to my mom, and she has told me; “No, this never happened. You must be dreaming". Only once she would say so, I would realize that it was a mere dream.

This is very strange... and funny at the same time. When I was young, I remember that I spent years searching for a few cut- outs from a book in my parent’s wardrobe... and my parents just insisted that they have never seen them and are unaware of their existence. At that time I just thought that my parents must have just hidden them somewhere. I just never managed to find them. But I still strongly believe that they existed.

Strange but true, that my dreams are so powerful that sometimes I would believe in them for time unknown even if some one tells me.... IT was a Dream!

Dream= Reality... strangely still happens to me!!!

NIRVANA

The gloom continues
Runs over the pleasant
And the ones who escape
Are elated…towards the unknown.

Just a nothing…exists…..
When the world around appears consciously dead
Mind discusses with some one within
Talks, confides and shares………….

Just alone……
Nothing affects, nothing pains
Isolation cures all heartaches
Things that don’t change be left numb…..

The shield on the outside
Never knows why….
Some things still penetrate
To indicate that one is alive!!

Lost in the self defined
One does all the right…
There is no revenge and there is no love….
There is nothing…..to hold on, to let go…

Seemingly psychotic
It is this, they call Nirvana
Calm and silent….

Watches the sinful……..
Answering the deeds…
Yet numb…..but alive within!
Has a heart to feel for all the……unsaid, undone, unfair….
…. With just nothing around!!!

GET UP

Get up every time the world puts you down
Speak up every time it is politically right to Shut Up!
Rise in every strength of your life
Go ahead; you’re born to conquer the Might!


Small people, Big People are people after all!
Stand Up for your commitments
Smile at the ones who let you down!
There is always an answer for every unsaid!

Go beyond to attain the Limitless
Passion breaking every boundary!
It’s the ‘YOU’ that will matter,
At the end of every story!!

Lower only to God
Every human has a power to prevail
It’s not important how often you fall,
But significant to Strike Hard!!

LOVE

Empty Page longs for contact
The Written feeling and unspoken sand...
Numb yet sensitive
Forms a strange attachment with words!
Like everyday feeling them upon itself.
Destiny holds nothing forever
And the words tend to fade...
The love not weak
But pain so true
Attack every cell of brain
And the heart sinks deeper
Deeper creating realization of love!
Stranger words, now life of an empty page!
For when the light falls, they read themselves...
To narrate the story of a proud emptiness...
Who has now got addicted to fulfillment!
The numb feelings fear the pain
Strange attachments bind and unite
Separation fears the forthcoming misery
Love...deep love taught to be patient by pain!
Fade away when the pages tear,
Wash away when the entity disappears.
True it was to happen,
But true that it cannot be forgotten!
Nothing can take away...
The nourished whole...filled with the name of love!
The fire cannot burn what is burning...
And water cannot wash away that flows!
Nothing can change what lives forever!
No decay can conquer LOVE!

THE UNKNOWN

Receptive to the unknown
Humans learn to survive
Unable to understand the
Weird wishes of the heart

Every storm leaves numb…
The life that wanted to live.
After effects leaves nothing alive
Faith in belief sees reality.

Good or bad reaction
Just makes one, more heartless every day
In this fake world
Every reality disintegrates!

I don’t ask to change a thing
May not be as easy to be!
Make me strong every day Oh! Lord
I want to face each day with dignity!

Every little thing hurts
Make me numb
I wish to live some more
May be lost, yet alive enough!!

IGNORED

The beauty of individuality
Is the reality
People hide, what is real
And show what the world wants to see….

This world has abandoned me
Left me untouched.
Forgot to teach me,
The rule of the land!

I said my heart felt
Smiled at every wink of child like stories
Gave the world truth
Bitter or sweet, but naked!

Today I lay
With friends and foe
World of understandings and
A World of lost hopes.

Insignificant to the majority
I learnt to be ignored
Be no one in ones life
Be some one is someone’s life!

Gave with both hands
With innocent heart,
The cruelty made me strong
Taught me to smile, after every tear!

Ask me not how I take it
All think m strong
No one saw the death, I died every day
No one felt the numbness creep in.

This life has made me
Strong, hurt, full of zest in pain!
Every day the sprit shivers,
And I sense decay!

I am alive,
Sane in this inhumane world
Simple, unaware and
Yes, IGNORED.

Life with 'was'...

People suffer from various disorders, but I suffer from a Compulsive Writing Disorder. It seems that I have developed this because of my undying urge to express. Writing is a hobby. But writing also gives me peace.

I have just too many elements of "WAS" (were) in my life... Lot of things were beautiful and many worth reliving. But the question is why some people chose to better forget their past or dig it deep inside their hearts.

Some past hurts, when discussed it hurts more. My father has always been in a transferable job, so the frequency of things getting piled up, as past were more. And may be, just may be I have a longer past. Lot of things happened in that little time.

They say the only constant is change, no matter how much I hate this; it has been more than true in my life. I have never been able to live a happy or sad moment for a long enough time. It has all been so fast.

A dancer, A lover of art, Traveling queen, Enthusiast, in love with life... all these form my 'was'. Yes, I would like to believe that nothing really is lost, but that would be a lie. Every city I traveled to, I lost a bit of me there...for eg: In Chennai it was the innocence...In Pune it was the attitude...etc. but when I sit and think, I realize I lost a bit of me everyday!

What have I become today is not important. What I was is also not really important. But what is funny is, that something that formed today, changed to my so called past in a few seconds. I am quite emotional, so this transition has not really been that welcomed by me. But yes, I have lived it all.

Is today my ‘Now’? May be till the storm is silent! They say don't laugh a lot, you might have to pay the same off with tears... if this rule works vice- versa... then I am quite at an advantage. But yes, it is difficult to forget the 'was'. Perhaps it will always remain a part of me...dug somewhere...unshaken...but unforgotten.

How does it matter really? Ultimately I have changed a lot...may be for the better, may be for the worst...but the inevitable... has happened.... I am still losing a bit of me everyday!

Are you in your skin?

It is that time of the night… when people prefer to sleep… but someone nocturnal like me; find their brains a little extra active at this hour.Am I a child of Satan?? Or it is just insane to be up? Well it does not really matter what people think or perceive this to be.

It is important to spend some time thinking...just about anything...I think about all the things that I did, All the people I remembered, Someone new I liked or just disliked... That special someone I still miss, those college days that are an inseparable part of my life... those long lost friends and the good times.

Thinking helps me realize that I am alive... that apart from all the things I do and say... in the best of their diplomatic condition...I do give myself a room for thought and sit and talk to myself and meet the real me.

I am known for being blunt and On the Face...but I do sometimes say things to people I don't really mean... but still say it may be thinking that it is appropriate.

But what I have realized is that in this huge World, no matter how covered you are with friends and well wishers, you do have a real you, known best to self!

Nobody likes to walk naked on the road... and so we usually wear all the things that are taught to us by the World...with a clear definition of the wrongs and rights or acceptable and unacceptable.

This dilemma to be socially accepted grips everyone who wishes to survive. I am not someone who very easily appeals to the nicer side of people...may be because I like to be closest to my real self. Simply because I don't want to lead a life that I am taught to lead and follow the same blindly. I use my own judgments before I follow any rule put forth by the Law of the Land.

Does this make me rude? Well I don't know that, but it sure makes me real. In spite of the fact that I too may get sugar coated at times, but I still feel that am closest to my skin.

Talking to yourself helps, because you just know yourself a little better when you speak up to yourself what you really feel, what you missed and what you really wished to say to the World outside :)

Strange Attachments

Sometimes you meet people, you never wish to let go. It is so strange that suddenly someone appeals to you so much...and sometimes no matter how hard you or the other person tries, you just cant like him/her.

Usually I don't quite take shit from people, even if I get hurt, I pretend to be numb about it. But there are a few people in my life from whom, I do take some shit.

They are not my family members, so I am not bound to do so. But they are strangers, who became a part of my life. These attachments are strange, because you don't realize why are you taking all this. Why cant u just ask some people to FO from your life.

I have stopped thinking on this, because it leads me no where. Not that I don't have the willpower to throw people out of my life, for some I know it is very easy... but its just that some relationships are just plainly way ahead of your understanding.

There are a few friends and acquaintances in my life- no matter what they do to me, they will still remain special. No matter how much shit they give me, I might still think of walking towards them... and even if they don't like me... my heart has still made an unsaid promise of being there for them.

Don't draw your conclusions on me and say that " Oh! she's an emotional fool". No, I am not one. I believe that we all do have Strange Attachments, its just that we don't analyze them, or maybe just take them for granted!

Traces from the Past.....

I still remember those days, when I was very young and every night had this weird dream that both my father and I are shot by some terrorist kinda figures..

Still remember very clearly the dream had a very red tinge to it... it was never painful , but yes used to keep me wondering for...

What was that? Some traces of my past life.. at least that is what i would like to believe. I don't see that dream anymore... but it is a part of me.

Every such incident in life just goes out to preach that there are reincarnations and rebirths, and that we have been living and dead from time unknown.