A train story....

Strange things happen everyday.... and if I am around then the probability of strange things happening automatically increases ;)

So in the morning, when I took the train to work...I was just anxiously looking for a place to sit. The train as usual was moderately full; there wasn't any bright chance of finding myself a seat. To get some air, I stood beside the door. I did not carry my ipod, so had no option but to look around. Nothing really seemed to get my attention apart from this lady who stood by me in the train. Now this lady was supposedly communicating with another lady (must be her friend) who was lucky enough to get a seat in the train.

What was strange was not that they were communicating, but how they were doing so. Just when I decided to figure out what is happening I realized that some one has gotten off the train and now I do have an opportunity to sit. So I sat right beside the lady who was trying to make a conversation with the lady standing by the door.

Now the way these two ladies were conversing was through a strange 'sign language' which I am sure was best understood to them and no one else. In spite of being gifted with the power of speech, they decided to act out their lives stories.

The lady standing by the door sure seemed to be well trained in acting or must have been a champ in dumb charades. So her facial expressions were really loud and her body language very graceful. The other lady was more of a bathroom actor (come on... if u can have bathroom singers...) hence she was very moderate with her expressions and as there was less space, she could not really use her hands too much.

The lady standing by the door seemed to be narrating a nightmare or a ghostly story at least that is what I understood. The other lady sitting beside me seemed to be enacting a day in her life type of a story.

What was commendable... that the lady by the door was indeed giving a great performance, but nothing could be understood by any one apart from the lady sitting beside me. I think while traveling in the train they managed to create their own language, which was truly strange but looked grand.

If I were with a friend I would just talk... and talk... or keep quiet... but this was some fantastic peace of work that I saw today.

People find their own way to do things they really want to.... :)

The Painful Let go.... :(

Why is "Let Go" easier to say than implement.... I have tried to let things be... or let go of people so many times, but have never been successful.

Why is that so difficult for me?? I just can’t see things falling apart. I can’t see people walk away, at least those who mean something to me.

Am I suffering from some psychotic disorder, as usually people find it very simple to let go. May be some people are just too strong. Some people know just the right thing... and also walk towards it. But my heart always melts when I see people who matter to me. My anger seems far gone!

Beyond a particular time, I do believe that no one in reality belongs to me. It is this temporary phase of life, till life rolls we like to possess people and things and proudly call them 'ours'.

It is so strange, that people, who are important to me, are actually not mine. Because when death comes knocking at my door I will have to walk towards it all alone... No one shall accompany me... I will have to walk alone...

What is funny is that every one knows this reality, and what is strange is... that no one wishes to believe in it. May be because no one wants to be lonely... maybe no one wants to walk alone!!

Why are things so important to the world? When even people one can never possess. And some spend a lifetime acquiring objects that will be left behind.

But still why is it so difficult to let go? I know just like others, I will spend my entire life, collecting things and people to make my life peaceful...but in the end...I will have to walk alone. Can I then learn to find peace in this loneliness and defy every rule of Sociology?

No matter how much I would wish to believe I can.... the truth is I can’t.... Come on I am not God yet :)

I am not you, that is why... :)

Ask no question and hear no lie... This is what he told me one day... and obviously I was pissed. Dude I don't ask something to hear a lie...but people live their lives on their own terms... and whatever belief we carry towards a particular thing is actually subjective.

No matter how much we think that we are in sync with the World... society... friends... family… Etc the truth is... We are not in sync with any one. Every one lives more for their own self than the others. Selfless, yes sure people are, but more towards things that are more likely to appeal to themselves.

No, I am not trying to say that every one is selfish, or anything like that. But I do want to say that every one thinks of self a bit more than the others.

I have been brought up in a family, where every member has his own space to think and react to things. He/she can choose their respective paths. No one really asks me... Why the hell I am this way? But they sure say... OK you are moody and weird.

But don't take these words as judgments; these are more of characteristic description and acceptance. The point that I am trying to drive home is there is no use in being judgmental about things and people. People are People... and if they are a particular way... or think a particular thing... then they are so, that is all. Hence nothing really makes a person good or bad. It just forms their characteristics.

The things we find bad... may not be really bad. But they sure are displaced. Like food on a dining table, is taken as 'clean'... gives a good feeling... and the same food... in the loo... sure gives a creepy feeling and also brings in a feeling of being 'dirty'. Hence the truth remains that there really is nothing clean or dirty, it is just a displacement of things that make us feel so!

That is why the statement... Ask no question, hear no lie... bugged me... but in reality... may be my mind perceived it as something displaced... But the one who said it... to his mind it must have seemed perfect for that moment. Come on people don't always like to talk shit... Do they?

Think about it... just two words... Subjective... and Displacement... ;)

Dream = Reality

Ever lived a life where you could not distinguish between a Dream and Reality... I have and to a large extent I still am. But they are not weird dreams, these dreams are very real. They just generally represent a day in my life. There is no loss or achievement in them... it is just so much like normal life.

So many times I have gotten up and asked something to my mom, and she has told me; “No, this never happened. You must be dreaming". Only once she would say so, I would realize that it was a mere dream.

This is very strange... and funny at the same time. When I was young, I remember that I spent years searching for a few cut- outs from a book in my parent’s wardrobe... and my parents just insisted that they have never seen them and are unaware of their existence. At that time I just thought that my parents must have just hidden them somewhere. I just never managed to find them. But I still strongly believe that they existed.

Strange but true, that my dreams are so powerful that sometimes I would believe in them for time unknown even if some one tells me.... IT was a Dream!

Dream= Reality... strangely still happens to me!!!

NIRVANA

The gloom continues
Runs over the pleasant
And the ones who escape
Are elated…towards the unknown.

Just a nothing…exists…..
When the world around appears consciously dead
Mind discusses with some one within
Talks, confides and shares………….

Just alone……
Nothing affects, nothing pains
Isolation cures all heartaches
Things that don’t change be left numb…..

The shield on the outside
Never knows why….
Some things still penetrate
To indicate that one is alive!!

Lost in the self defined
One does all the right…
There is no revenge and there is no love….
There is nothing…..to hold on, to let go…

Seemingly psychotic
It is this, they call Nirvana
Calm and silent….

Watches the sinful……..
Answering the deeds…
Yet numb…..but alive within!
Has a heart to feel for all the……unsaid, undone, unfair….
…. With just nothing around!!!

GET UP

Get up every time the world puts you down
Speak up every time it is politically right to Shut Up!
Rise in every strength of your life
Go ahead; you’re born to conquer the Might!


Small people, Big People are people after all!
Stand Up for your commitments
Smile at the ones who let you down!
There is always an answer for every unsaid!

Go beyond to attain the Limitless
Passion breaking every boundary!
It’s the ‘YOU’ that will matter,
At the end of every story!!

Lower only to God
Every human has a power to prevail
It’s not important how often you fall,
But significant to Strike Hard!!

LOVE

Empty Page longs for contact
The Written feeling and unspoken sand...
Numb yet sensitive
Forms a strange attachment with words!
Like everyday feeling them upon itself.
Destiny holds nothing forever
And the words tend to fade...
The love not weak
But pain so true
Attack every cell of brain
And the heart sinks deeper
Deeper creating realization of love!
Stranger words, now life of an empty page!
For when the light falls, they read themselves...
To narrate the story of a proud emptiness...
Who has now got addicted to fulfillment!
The numb feelings fear the pain
Strange attachments bind and unite
Separation fears the forthcoming misery
Love...deep love taught to be patient by pain!
Fade away when the pages tear,
Wash away when the entity disappears.
True it was to happen,
But true that it cannot be forgotten!
Nothing can take away...
The nourished whole...filled with the name of love!
The fire cannot burn what is burning...
And water cannot wash away that flows!
Nothing can change what lives forever!
No decay can conquer LOVE!

THE UNKNOWN

Receptive to the unknown
Humans learn to survive
Unable to understand the
Weird wishes of the heart

Every storm leaves numb…
The life that wanted to live.
After effects leaves nothing alive
Faith in belief sees reality.

Good or bad reaction
Just makes one, more heartless every day
In this fake world
Every reality disintegrates!

I don’t ask to change a thing
May not be as easy to be!
Make me strong every day Oh! Lord
I want to face each day with dignity!

Every little thing hurts
Make me numb
I wish to live some more
May be lost, yet alive enough!!

IGNORED

The beauty of individuality
Is the reality
People hide, what is real
And show what the world wants to see….

This world has abandoned me
Left me untouched.
Forgot to teach me,
The rule of the land!

I said my heart felt
Smiled at every wink of child like stories
Gave the world truth
Bitter or sweet, but naked!

Today I lay
With friends and foe
World of understandings and
A World of lost hopes.

Insignificant to the majority
I learnt to be ignored
Be no one in ones life
Be some one is someone’s life!

Gave with both hands
With innocent heart,
The cruelty made me strong
Taught me to smile, after every tear!

Ask me not how I take it
All think m strong
No one saw the death, I died every day
No one felt the numbness creep in.

This life has made me
Strong, hurt, full of zest in pain!
Every day the sprit shivers,
And I sense decay!

I am alive,
Sane in this inhumane world
Simple, unaware and
Yes, IGNORED.

Life with 'was'...

People suffer from various disorders, but I suffer from a Compulsive Writing Disorder. It seems that I have developed this because of my undying urge to express. Writing is a hobby. But writing also gives me peace.

I have just too many elements of "WAS" (were) in my life... Lot of things were beautiful and many worth reliving. But the question is why some people chose to better forget their past or dig it deep inside their hearts.

Some past hurts, when discussed it hurts more. My father has always been in a transferable job, so the frequency of things getting piled up, as past were more. And may be, just may be I have a longer past. Lot of things happened in that little time.

They say the only constant is change, no matter how much I hate this; it has been more than true in my life. I have never been able to live a happy or sad moment for a long enough time. It has all been so fast.

A dancer, A lover of art, Traveling queen, Enthusiast, in love with life... all these form my 'was'. Yes, I would like to believe that nothing really is lost, but that would be a lie. Every city I traveled to, I lost a bit of me there...for eg: In Chennai it was the innocence...In Pune it was the attitude...etc. but when I sit and think, I realize I lost a bit of me everyday!

What have I become today is not important. What I was is also not really important. But what is funny is, that something that formed today, changed to my so called past in a few seconds. I am quite emotional, so this transition has not really been that welcomed by me. But yes, I have lived it all.

Is today my ‘Now’? May be till the storm is silent! They say don't laugh a lot, you might have to pay the same off with tears... if this rule works vice- versa... then I am quite at an advantage. But yes, it is difficult to forget the 'was'. Perhaps it will always remain a part of me...dug somewhere...unshaken...but unforgotten.

How does it matter really? Ultimately I have changed a lot...may be for the better, may be for the worst...but the inevitable... has happened.... I am still losing a bit of me everyday!

Are you in your skin?

It is that time of the night… when people prefer to sleep… but someone nocturnal like me; find their brains a little extra active at this hour.Am I a child of Satan?? Or it is just insane to be up? Well it does not really matter what people think or perceive this to be.

It is important to spend some time thinking...just about anything...I think about all the things that I did, All the people I remembered, Someone new I liked or just disliked... That special someone I still miss, those college days that are an inseparable part of my life... those long lost friends and the good times.

Thinking helps me realize that I am alive... that apart from all the things I do and say... in the best of their diplomatic condition...I do give myself a room for thought and sit and talk to myself and meet the real me.

I am known for being blunt and On the Face...but I do sometimes say things to people I don't really mean... but still say it may be thinking that it is appropriate.

But what I have realized is that in this huge World, no matter how covered you are with friends and well wishers, you do have a real you, known best to self!

Nobody likes to walk naked on the road... and so we usually wear all the things that are taught to us by the World...with a clear definition of the wrongs and rights or acceptable and unacceptable.

This dilemma to be socially accepted grips everyone who wishes to survive. I am not someone who very easily appeals to the nicer side of people...may be because I like to be closest to my real self. Simply because I don't want to lead a life that I am taught to lead and follow the same blindly. I use my own judgments before I follow any rule put forth by the Law of the Land.

Does this make me rude? Well I don't know that, but it sure makes me real. In spite of the fact that I too may get sugar coated at times, but I still feel that am closest to my skin.

Talking to yourself helps, because you just know yourself a little better when you speak up to yourself what you really feel, what you missed and what you really wished to say to the World outside :)

Strange Attachments

Sometimes you meet people, you never wish to let go. It is so strange that suddenly someone appeals to you so much...and sometimes no matter how hard you or the other person tries, you just cant like him/her.

Usually I don't quite take shit from people, even if I get hurt, I pretend to be numb about it. But there are a few people in my life from whom, I do take some shit.

They are not my family members, so I am not bound to do so. But they are strangers, who became a part of my life. These attachments are strange, because you don't realize why are you taking all this. Why cant u just ask some people to FO from your life.

I have stopped thinking on this, because it leads me no where. Not that I don't have the willpower to throw people out of my life, for some I know it is very easy... but its just that some relationships are just plainly way ahead of your understanding.

There are a few friends and acquaintances in my life- no matter what they do to me, they will still remain special. No matter how much shit they give me, I might still think of walking towards them... and even if they don't like me... my heart has still made an unsaid promise of being there for them.

Don't draw your conclusions on me and say that " Oh! she's an emotional fool". No, I am not one. I believe that we all do have Strange Attachments, its just that we don't analyze them, or maybe just take them for granted!

Traces from the Past.....

I still remember those days, when I was very young and every night had this weird dream that both my father and I are shot by some terrorist kinda figures..

Still remember very clearly the dream had a very red tinge to it... it was never painful , but yes used to keep me wondering for...

What was that? Some traces of my past life.. at least that is what i would like to believe. I don't see that dream anymore... but it is a part of me.

Every such incident in life just goes out to preach that there are reincarnations and rebirths, and that we have been living and dead from time unknown.